Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Robin From The Hood.


Once again, the owner of the South Sydney Rabbitohs has decided to dabble in film making. This time acting as the lead in the blockbuster Robin Hood. Zace Nation could not withhold its collective excitement when it heard that the team of Ridley Scott and Martin Crowe's cousin were joining forces again (Gladiator is firmly cemented in Zace Nation's top 5 favourite movies. In no particular order: Gladiator, Shawshank Redemption, Remember the Titans, Step Brothers, Lion King - this list is subject to actual Zace's pending disapproval).


However, in ditching a sword for a bow and arrow, Russ' newest movie has failed to deliver. On a scale of 1 to Maximus Decimus Meridius (a 10!), Robin Hood is a 6.


Because it clung so desperately to the winning formula espoused in Gladiator, Robin Hood had a chance to be a successful film. However, several factors restricted it from ever being mentioned in the same breath as Gladiator:



SPOILER ALERT


1) Cate Blanchett


2) The all too serindipitous return of a dead soldier's (Sir Robert Loxely) sword to his father (Sir Walter Loxely) who happens to know more about R.H's father and childhood than R.H does himself. To make matters worse, R.H then masquerades around the village as Sir Robert Loxely, who had been at war for 10 years. Dashing Russell bears little resemblance to this bit part actor. However, apparently this village all suffers from a combination of glaucoma and alzhiemer's; not only does nobody raise an eyebrow at this imposter, some even ask him "Do you remember me Sir Robert". Cue - piss off, I'm Robin from the mother f*cking hood, whack.


3) The fact that R.H falls in love with Cate Blanchett after a couple of days. Cate Blanchett!!


4) Sir Godfrey (played by Mark Strong - G.C) never says "why so serious" during the entire movie.


5) The fact that it seems like England's population in the 1400s was less than the number of straight guys at family bar.


6) Worst of all, the battle with the French. By this time in the movie, Robin Longstride (as he is known in the movie) has reached his seamless (and inexplicable) ascent to 2nd in command of the King's army. King John, billed as a arrogant dictator throughout the movie hardly blinks an eye when Robin begins giving orders (this would have been more understandable if he was Maximus Decimus Meridius - Commander of the Armies of the North - General of the Felix Legions - Loyal Servant to the true Emperor Marcus Aurelius). The two sides are engaged in battle -everyone is having a good time - when... Cate effing Blanchett leads her army of orphaned forest children into battle on their Shetland Ponies (possibly the most ridiculous movie moment since the 'bus jump' in speed). On cue, our heroine, and first ever leader of an army of children on midget horses, goes after Sir Godfrey. Naturally, Godfrey 'Jake Hekes' Marion and Robin is forced to come to her rescue. Whilst Marion lies unconscious, Robin manages to fend off Godfrey (who now sees that the battle is lost and begins riding off into the distance). To Zace Nation's disappointment, Marion wakes up from her momentary coma. This gives Robin just enough time to unleash a 200m arrow into the neck of the escaping Godfrey (not since PeeWee Herman have we seen such skill with a bow). The remaining French soldiers surrender. King John is informed of this: "Who have they surrended to?" he asks. "They have surrendered to that man" (Cut to shot of Robin heroically carrying Marion out of the water). Cue evocative music.

This film is basically a character building exercise for the sequel - a fact not disguised by the "and so the legend begins" caption at the end of the film. It has its moments. Robin's Merry Men were entertaining in their limited scenes; Friar Tuck's haircut is entertaining in itself. Little John's (the dude from Lost) "I'm gonna make you smile" quote provided some LOLs. Unfortunately, these moments were outweighed by dull and perculiar moments.
With any luck this is the Batman Begins to the next installment's Dark Knight... 'and so the legend begins.

Also, Kevin Locke should be dropped.
- Matt H.


Sunday, May 16, 2010

Return of the Beast



It is time that all Warriors fans accept that we are a completely different team when Manu Vatuvei is on the paddock. This is a player that Warriors management must ensure stays with the team for as long as possible and doesn't get lured into a lucrative Northern Hemisphere contract or a high paying acting career. Even hobbling on one leg, the Beast helped spur the Warriors to a 20 - 0 half time lead. However, for the second time this season, Manu did not return after half time. Team sources say that this was not a reoccurrence of the hamstring injury that he has been struggling with over the past four weeks. "It's something between the ankle and the knee," Cleary said. "We've just got to cross our fingers and hope it's not too bad." Let's cross our fingers, because if Manu spends more time on the sideline, Zace Nation may react like this guy.


The Warriors opened the scoring with Zace Nation's second favourite Warrior, Ukuma Ta'ai ('Kuma' as he is fondly known to us), who surged through "three would be tacklers" (Ray Warren voice) to score under the posts. Kuma's try was followed with typically 'ugly' looking tries to Lewis "The Wrestler" Brown and Ian Henderson. The Warriors rounded out the half with penalty to superboot James Maloney to make it 20-0. "Shut the Gates"?! Not just yet...

With a 20-0 half time lead, Zace Nation believed victory was secured and proceeded to leave for their 21st party. Fortunately the HQ bar had the second half on. Needless to say the Warriors found ways to let the Cowboys back into the game. Two quick tries in the second half brought the Cowboys within 8. They almost closed the gap to two but for Ashley Graham putting his lilly white knee over the chalk before grounding the ball in the corner (Zace Nation wondered why he was still playing in Australia, considering him a good candidate to be playing in England - no sound reasoning was provided). The Cowboys' comeback provided good ammunition for Zace Nation's weekly lampooning of Lance Hohia (that little bastard) and Kevin Locke (that little brown bastard). The Warriors managed to hold on for victory, sealing the win when the little brown bastard caught a Seymour cross kick after last week's stand in captain Brent Tate pulled a nifty 'catch fake' to put off the Cowboys defender.

Overall the Warriors will be pleased with their performance. Any time you can beat a side which fields Jonathan Thurston you have played well. The Warriors welcomed the return of their best drinker, and biggest offensive weapon in Brett Seymour and Michael Luck respectively. Both turned in good outings, especially Seymour who was responsible for 3 of the Warriors tries. Needless to say he would have enjoyed a few quiet ones after the game.


For match highlights see here.
- Matt H


Saturday, May 15, 2010

Kiwi Sports Blog...

I would like to start by thanking Big Zace for inspiration for this blog and article. His opinion is heavily reflected in the tone of this article.

Like any other trashy internet blog, the http://kiwisb.blogspot.com/2010/05/bye-bye-bondy.html needs to be critqued. Firstly, the title is very controversial. We here at Zace Nation suggest that it be changed to something less racially provocative. Secondly, ... pause to digest one of Vin's orange flavoured steroid pills..., from a man that hasn't played competitive sport at a high level since warming the bench for Rosmini's 3rd XV, a more diverse look at life from the eye's of Michael Burns would be encouraged. E.g. Auckland's best bbq restaurants, why chips make good walking food, why Dickies pants are for posers and why he has come to accept gays since working at ORCON.

Despite the last paragraph, we here at Zace Nation are very found of the face of Minter Ellison Rudd Watt's summer clerk programe: http://www.noordinarysummer.co.nz/ We wish him all the best for his blogging career (how inevitably short it may be).

On our own sporting tangent, we at Zace Nation firmly believe Delonte West did in fact get his little Delonte south of Gloria James' (LeBron's mum) equator. No women has enough self discipline to say no to this: http://blog.cleveland.com/sports/2008/03/medium_X00172_9.JPG

It is a concern for the James family that he may have an STD (Let google auto correct Delonte We...)

To conclude, we love the Malaysian Warrior and don't trust people with neck tattoos.

Go the mighty Vodafone Warriors and our other regular contributor, this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6U_MBkKiRA

- Matt H and Zace