Robin From The Hood.

Once again, the owner of the South Sydney Rabbitohs has decided to dabble in film making. This time acting as the lead in the blockbuster Robin Hood. Zace Nation could not withhold its collective excitement when it heard that the team of Ridley Scott and Martin Crowe's cousin were joining forces again (Gladiator is firmly cemented in Zace Nation's top 5 favourite movies. In no particular order: Gladiator, Shawshank Redemption, Remember the Titans, Step Brothers, Lion King - this list is subject to actual Zace's pending disapproval).

However, in ditching a sword for a bow and arrow, Russ' newest movie has failed to deliver. On a scale of 1 to Maximus Decimus Meridius (a 10!), Robin Hood is a 6.

Because it clung so desperately to the winning formula espoused in Gladiator, Robin Hood had a chance to be a successful film. However, several factors restricted it from ever being mentioned in the same breath as Gladiator:

SPOILER ALERT

1) Cate Blanchett

2) The all too serindipitous return of a dead soldier's (Sir Robert Loxely) sword to his father (Sir Walter Loxely) who happens to know more about R.H's father and childhood than R.H does himself. To make matters worse, R.H then masquerades around the village as Sir Robert Loxely, who had been at war for 10 years. Dashing Russell bears little resemblance to this bit part actor. However, apparently this village all suffers from a combination of glaucoma and alzhiemer's; not only does nobody raise an eyebrow at this imposter, some even ask him "Do you remember me Sir Robert". Cue - piss off, I'm Robin from the mother f*cking hood, whack.

3) The fact that R.H falls in love with Cate Blanchett after a couple of days. Cate Blanchett!!

4) Sir Godfrey (played by Mark Strong - G.C) never says "why so serious" during the entire movie.

5) The fact that it seems like England's population in the 1400s was less than the number of straight guys at family bar.

6) Worst of all, the battle with the French. By this time in the movie, Robin Longstride (as he is known in the movie) has reached his seamless (and inexplicable) ascent to 2nd in command of the King's army. King John, billed as a arrogant dictator throughout the movie hardly blinks an eye when Robin begins giving orders (this would have been more understandable if he was Maximus Decimus Meridius - Commander of the Armies of the North - General of the Felix Legions - Loyal Servant to the true Emperor Marcus Aurelius). The two sides are engaged in battle -everyone is having a good time - when... Cate effing Blanchett leads her army of orphaned forest children into battle on their Shetland Ponies (possibly the most ridiculous movie moment since the 'bus jump' in speed). On cue, our heroine, and first ever leader of an army of children on midget horses, goes after Sir Godfrey. Naturally, Godfrey 'Jake Hekes' Marion and Robin is forced to come to her rescue. Whilst Marion lies unconscious, Robin manages to fend off Godfrey (who now sees that the battle is lost and begins riding off into the distance). To Zace Nation's disappointment, Marion wakes up from her momentary coma. This gives Robin just enough time to unleash a 200m arrow into the neck of the escaping Godfrey (not since PeeWee Herman have we seen such skill with a bow). The remaining French soldiers surrender. King John is informed of this: "Who have they surrended to?" he asks. "They have surrendered to that man" (Cut to shot of Robin heroically carrying Marion out of the water). Cue evocative music.

This film is basically a character building exercise for the sequel - a fact not disguised by the "and so the legend begins" caption at the end of the film. It has its moments. Robin's Merry Men were entertaining in their limited scenes; Friar Tuck's haircut is entertaining in itself. Little John's (the dude from Lost) "I'm gonna make you smile" quote provided some LOLs. Unfortunately, these moments were outweighed by dull and perculiar moments.

With any luck this is the Batman Begins to the next installment's Dark Knight... 'and so the legend begins.

Also, Kevin Locke should be dropped.

- Matt H.